Friday, May 31, 2013

Ask A Lord - Forget Where's Waldo - Where's The Mysterious Lady K?

Yo, Your Lordliness – What’s up with the mysterious Lady K, bro?! She’s been out of sight for way too long!!! You keep reposting old pics of her.  She been incarcerated or what?! Or did you fire her or somethin’?

A Concerned WorshipHER of H.H. (Her Hotness! Bro!) Lady K.

Dear Concerned WorshipHER – Her Grace, The Mysterious Lady K, has indeed been “out of sight” for quite some time and I know not where she is (obviously). That is to say, she could be hiding out in Buckingham Palace, Versailles, the moon—your guess is as good as mine.

The "last" known picture of The Mysterious Lady K
taken whilst on the set of the reality show pilot for American Monarch
Her Ladyship’s acolytes are well aware of her delightful capriciousness and revel in her lack of predictability. And, cruelly, some critics have gone so far as to refer to Her Grace as “The Lindsey Lohan of Nobles.”

I, for one, do not cast judgment upon any fellow Noble, even if they fall off the Noble path repeatedly (this is not an indirect suggestion of Lady K’s life) and leave the banner of Nobility twisting in the proverbial wind.

For what ultimately matters is if one pulls herself out of the mire of Trog iniquity and begins again to carry the standard of nobility aloft on her journey through this oft perplexing and curious world dominated by so many Troglodytes (again, this is not an indirect reference to Lady K).

So, when in her own time, Her Ladyship returns to The Vast Estate, she shall be welcomed with opened Faberge eggs! Until that time, carry on mysterious and Noble Lady K--carry on!


LW

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ask A Lord - To Be the King of What?


My Dearest Lord , I write to you with great distress. It seems that a rather brutish gaggle of “Hollywood” Trogs has stolen the very unique and original concept for a realty show a Noble companion and I have labored to create for several years.

Our reality show (which shall go unnamed*) was to bring to the unwashed and pitiful masses of America the concepts of what being Noble is—an ideal to be sought after and (hopefully) achieved.

Instead, a horrific bastardization has appeared from some of the very “entertainment” industry executives with whom we attempted to reach! This heinous, demented and illegitimate (in my humble opinion) “show” is puerilely entitled: King of the Nerds.  (I know, such a ghastly title—can you believe such impertinent pretense?)

What is the proper response to these disdainful liars and thieves?

With All Sincerity, A Concerned Lady

Dear Concerned Lady – There is immense wisdom in the old adage “He that is slow to wrath certainly is not a lying and thieving Hollywood executive Trog…” Or something like that. 

Anyway, in other words, you should do exactly nothing.

You see, dear Concerned Lady, the Trog thinks he gains something by stealing and believes he deceives whilst lying. But, in Noble reality, he is actually losing everything and deceiving nobody (but other Trogs, obviously).  

The Trog builds his entire life on lies and thievery. Why all one needs to do is look at the state of the current American political, financial, and legal system (let alone the “entertainment” industry) for an example of what, in the end, Trogs end up creating.

Their Graces relax during the filming of American Monarch**
(Much security was  needed  to keep Trogs off the set, obviously)
Aw, yes, but Trogs do so adore discord rather than concord, dissonance over harmony (my word, just listen to much of their “popular” music) vengeance over forgiveness, envy over gratitude and selfishness over selflessness. 

And yet these very Trogs then have the audacity to complain about the continuous torments in their little worlds of chaos that they themselves have created with their very thoughts, words, actions and habits!    

So. Predicable.


If you were to pursue these sadly misguided Trogs, they would only deny and lie their way out of any acknowledgement that they have done anything wrong.

Because that’s what Trogs do.

No, the better course is the Noble Lessons of Forgiveness and Moving On.

Remember this, dear Concerned Lady, your brilliant Noble mind is an endless well of clever ideas and sound convictions. Though opportunity may knock rarely at the stone-hard door of a Trog’s intellect, it is a regular solicitor at the intellectual door of the enlightened Noble.

Obviously.

*Any misconstrued notion that this “unnamed” reality show is related to Their Graces groundbreaking reality show (really more art than show) American Monarch should be put directly out of thought, obviously.

** Again, any misconstrued notion that this “unnamed” reality show is related to Their Graces groundbreaking reality show (really more art than show) American Monarch should be put directly out of thought, obviously.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Beware Trogs! @lordwestover Twitter Site Has Over 4000 Followers

Unidentified Trog (most likely that Steven Tyler person)
seeks to "congratulate" His Lordship upon hearing
of his growing Twitter flock


Westover: Beware Trogs! @lordwestover Twitter Site Has Over ...: By [some trog named] Robert Hudson Westover --  The Vast Estate (and me!) are very pleased to announce that the Lord Westover Twitter account, @lordwestove...


Monday, December 31, 2012

The highly anticipated 2012 Noble Act of the Year!...

Full Noble News: The highly anticipated 2012 Noble Act of the Year!...: 2012 Ignoble Act or Igie handed out as well - Posted by The Earl of Fulton whilst on his sojourn in  Constantinople [Istanbul]   And the winner is... (not Prince Charles)

Prince Charles bursts into tears upon hearing he was
passed over for 2012 Noble persons award.





Thursday, October 11, 2012

If You Could See What I See, Trog


A Poem (obviously) By His Grace, Lord Westover

If you could see what I see in you, trog, you would be astounded…
A Universe of Noble possibilities…
A new way of seeing…
A new way of being!
Nay, the thought of it must have you confounded!

But your say: Me, a simpleton trog, filled with a Noble being?

If you could see what I see in you, trog, you would stop “hatin’ on me.”
Indeed you would cease and desist
Your revenge motivated life of seeming bliss
Each day bringing you nearer the fatal abyss
But You say: I have defined myself by depravity!

Lord Westover (obviously)

Yes, you have… (obviously) 
What cost! 
What travesty! 
What Strife! 
Blissful Depravity!?

If you could see what I see in you, trog, you would at once stop your wicked ways!
For what good are they! Each day more dirt from your life of variance
Day by Day
Building a tomb about your Noble self (and a dirt one at that)

Change you would if you could see your noble presence!
And be Gay!

For, if you could see what I see in you…Today

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Diamond Jubilees Are A Girl’s Best Friend--A Royal Tribute!

Queen Elizabeth, obviously 

Queen Elizabeth II Celebrates 60 Years on the Throne!

On this Glorious occasion of 60 years on the British Throne, Their Graces wish to express sincere gratitude for Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth’s, continued reminder that duty to country, above all else, should be paramount in all wishing to have a functioning and civilized culture—obviously.

“Queen Elizabeth truly embodies being a noble person in both action and in deed—indeed,” Lord Westover and the Mysterious Lady K said in a statement issued from the Vast Estate. “Even if Her Majesty did, yet again, forget to invite us to yet again another fabulous occasion* we believe with all our heart that we have always been “there” in our noble spirits. God Save the Queen!”

A young Queen Elizabeth 

*Their Grace’s statement was referring to the controversy surrounding their attendance at Prince Charles' wedding to Princess Diana and the now infamous portrait on the balcony of Buckingham Palace. Because so many asked for “that picture with the lord and lady” subsequent versions have “removed” any trace of Their Graces' presence. 

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

His Lordship is Amused!

His Lordship's response to the story of his audition for a comedy show
The Vast Estate (obviously) March 12, 2012 – Royal watchers were shocked (and absolutely horrified) by the news that His Grace, Lord Westover, attended and actually auditioned for a spot in an obscure comedy contest called “Funniest Feds” 
To read more go to: http://fullnoblenews.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Their Amazing Graces – Tuppence Plowing Will Make You Free

And Why Income is Not Wealth


My Dearest Lord Westover and the mysterious Lady K – My spouse exceeds in being, well, so middle class. Every time I turn around it’s “we can’t afford this or we can’t afford that”. In fact, just the other day, I spotted a lovely pre-1917 Faberge work (at an unbelievable bargain price!) and all he could say was “This costs as much as a new car. We can’t afford it.”

Well, let’s just say “I lost it” and stormed out of the room declaring: You are the most miserly middle class person I have ever known! It’s absurd! Between our “jobs” and estate income, we make a rather handsome living but reminding Sir Middle Class of this only elicits the same response: Income is not wealth.  

Can you believe this!!!??? What should I do? Open a secret Swiss bank account and pretend my pre-1917 Faberge pieces are simply post-modern Fauxperge trash?

Longing for Pre-1917 Faberge but Married to a Boorish Middle Class Troglodyte


Dear Longing for Pre-1917 Faberge but Married to a Boorish Middle Class Troglodyte – We know all too well the dilemma to which you refer above. On one hand you so deserve all those refined objects de art but on the other hand you have to (dare we say) budget your income! It is indeed the age old conflict of dignity verse duty.

Yes, duty.
Their Graces with the most frugal of Monarchs, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth


You see, fellow Noble, unless one is living exclusively off the proceeds of one’s vast estate (like we), whether it be stock, bonds or lands, one is trapped (as it were) in the girdle of, well, the middle class. That is to say, someone or some entity with lots of capital [this means money for our trog readers] elects for a given time to handover said capital to you until they do not, obviously.

(Yes, this harsh system comes as a stark and chilling realization for many a Noble.)

In your cases, it seems that your “jobs” provide a disproportionate amount of household “income”. If this is indeed the case (as it seems to be for say 99.9 percent of the world’s population) then, dear friend of Nobility, you need to strap on the middle class girdle for (like many a trog) your household is dependent upon the tuppence of others.   

And, unlike the delightful, yet sorely misguided advice in that infantile musical about servants flying kites and cleaning chimneys, it is highly important that you continue to “invest” your tuppence “in the bank” for if you ignore this sage counsel you will truly find yourself adorning the constricting girdle of the middle class for a long, long time.

The great exemplar of this tragic condition of being forever girdled is a dear Noble friend of ours who once commanded the heights of reputation and income. This Noblewoman, we shall refer to only as Baroness B, spent lavishly and justified this thriftless recklessness as a necessity and indeed a deserved dividend of all her laborious work.

Unfortunately, Baroness B had ceased to categorize herself as “girdled” and a dependent receiver of tuppence and thus began her slow decline – the invisible price one pays for this self-imposed delusional state – into forever girldeddom. 

To this day, dear Baroness B must work, not because she wants to, but because she has to. Had she wisely deferred instant gratification and invested her tuppence (in the best and most prudent manner in which she could eventually reasonably replace her lavish standard of living), she would have had to buy less pre-1917 Faberge and embarked on fewer world cruises, but could have retired (or freed herself from the Gilded Girdle as we Noble like to say) whilst still relatively youthful.

In other words (for those still too dense to get the point), Baroness B could have lived the life of a truly free Noble person by putting off the ethereal amusements and bling of many a trog and plowed her tuppence into wise investments. Tragically, though, like so many of us (well, like most of our readers), she toils away dreaming of the day she will not have to seek tuppence from the proverbial “man.”

Though this “tuppence plowing” is by its very nature undignified (who doesn’t want their very own Fabarge Egg?), dear Noble, it is indeed your duty to free yourself from the Gilded Girdle by dutifully plowing (as it were) your tuppence “patiently, cautiously, trustingly in the, to be specific, in [the] Bank!” (Obviously!)

Gloriously submitted,

Their Graces

Friday, October 28, 2011

A Special Announcement from Lord Westover’s Vast Estate:

A Vast Estate (obviously) -- Today Queen Elizabeth, as head of state to the Commonwealth of Nations, has approved the succession of the first born child—either male or female—to  the centuries old British Throne.

His Grace, Lord Westover, gives a hearty “here, here” to such news. However, the next and obvious question is: When will Buckingham Palace (or world monarchies for that matter) accept the children of kidnapped nobles back into their fold? 

For those unaware of this highly emotional repatriation issue it is commonly known as the Noble Childhood Gypsy Abduction Reunification Movement (NOC GARM).

However, by publication time, Buckingham Palace had yet to get back to His Lordship on this pressing issue.




Their Graces, Lord Westover and the mysterious Lady K
(both victims of horrific kidnappings by gypsies) await
response from Buckingham Palace on the issue of
Noble Childhood Gypsy Abduction Reunification

Monday, July 25, 2011

An Emergency Message from His Grace, Lord Westover, obviously

Debt ceiling crisis forces Lord Westover to petition Queen Elizabeth to seize former American colony

To Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II

Your Majesty, It has come to both my and the world’s attention that your former colony seems to be incapable of governing itself as the recent “debt ceiling” controversy has demonstrated, obviously.

Queen Elizabeth II with His Grace, Lord Westover
As was admonished by  Alexis de Tocqueville (a Cassandra for the American Republic if there ever where one!) once these American plebeians (trogs) figure out that they can essentially blackmail their elected representatives into doing whatever fool-hearted legislative whim they please, the great Republic will find itself ungovernable. This inability to govern took several hundred years, but it indeed seems to be happening now.

I have tried in vain to warn these Americans of the political trap of obsessive ideologies, but they have failed to listen—so deafened it seems by the din of their acrimony that they have abandoned all sense of unity—or common scene for that matter!

I dare say it rather feels like a civil war…

On one side you have a conservative ideology of little to no taxation. Yet every nation where taxation is low is either dysfunctional or oppressive.

On the other side you have a liberal ideology that says the government should take care of the needs of the poor without realistic accountability for abuse or excessive costs.

As your Majesty knows, I share a great deal of sympathy with these Americans as upon my abduction by gypsies, I was raised here (this is not intended to make you feel guilty). 

Consequently, the only hope I see for these politically dazed and ideologically confused Americans, is that you, Your Majesty, in your imperial splendor, should revoke their nationhood and assume control of their acrimonious government (at least for a few years).

And, perhaps, under your enlightened subjugation, these Americans will see how irresponsible it is to hold theirs and the world’s economy hostage as they haggle over ideology.

Devotedly submitted by your semi-subject,
Lord Westover